Dear Baby

I don't yet know who I'm writing this to, because I don't yet know how you're going to come in our lives. Maybe you're already born and enough stars will align and the calls will be made and my phone will ring asking me to be your mom. Or maybe I have to fight my own body battle and climb that mountain of surgeries and treatments just to get you to grow. I don't yet know. 

I don't even exactly know what I want to say to you. I just know that my brain is swirling tonight and sometimes my eyes get misty and I had to crawl out of bed and write this. I just feel like I need you to know things. Like how sometimes I walk by what will hopefully get to be your room and just stare at the walls. Wishing they were filled with you. How sometimes I'm just exhausted that this is our story. That it's not easier. That I can't just make you happen. 

How sometimes I don't even want you to know these things let alone anyone else because sometimes I feel silly. I think I'll just wake up one day and it'll just happen and all these thoughts will have been silly. But it's not happening. 

Maybe I just want the universe to hear this and hear me. Hear that I want you so badly. We are so ready for you. I'm ready to not sleep at night because you're here instead of thinking you may never come. I'm ready.